Skip to main content

What do you when writing feels conflicting?


I enjoy reading, but I struggle with writing. Writing feels conflicting because it asks me to be honest in ways I am not always ready for.

Some of the things I write embarrass me. I think they expose thoughts I would rather keep hidden. And I think writing makes them permanent; this is because I worry too much. I imagine someone reading them someday and being shocked by how dark and twisted parts of me can sound. I worry about that future reader. 

I worry about myself.

I am going through what feels like one of the hardest things I have ever done. Close people know I am struggling, but they do not know the full extent of it. They can see that I am not butterflies and rainbows, but they do not know how much of my joy is performed. I smile and hope that one day I will grow into the happiness I am pretending to feel.

There was a time not long ago when I almost slipped into a deep depressive episode. I could feel myself descending, very fast, like I was in quicksand. I wanted to hold on to someone for support. I wanted to talk about it, but I did not know how say it in a way that was socially acceptable. I wanted to write about it here, but I was afraid that someone who knew me would read it and see too much.

I told my mother instead. She scolded me. She told me not to think that way and asked me to pray, to ask God for mercy.

I believe in God. I trust Him as a father. But sometimes I think faith should also allow space for pain. Sometimes I want to tell God that I am hurt. That I am afraid. I do not understand what is happening to me.

I am very scared now. Everything feels wrong, strange, foreign. I hesitate to write because I imagine myself years from now, rereading these words and feeling ashamed. And yet I also know that if I survive this, I might someday be able to guide someone else walking this same road.

That thought stays with me.

It is lonely, but this place I am in, I am frightened not only of what I am living through, but of what comes after. Of the permanent changes. Of the person I will become.

These days I feel like I am disappearing.

They say acknowledging the pain makes it slightly more bearable. Because maybe this is how I hold on to myself.

I hope one day all of this will make sense.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tangled up in Love: A personal reflection

  Have you ever crossed paths with someone and felt an inexplicable connection? It's an experience often attributed to the Red String Theory, a captivating idea that proposes soulmates are connected by an invisible red cord. I recently came across the Red String Theory on tik tok, and I have been hyper-fixated on it.   The Red String theory is a Chinese legend that suggests that two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. it tells us that this thread may stretch due to distance and tangle up due to circumstance; but in the end, the hands of fate eventually reunite these two people.           As a self-professed hopeless romantic, I have heard a lot about the concept of soulmates, that there is someone out there who fits you perfectly, the ying to your yang. You would hear stories of Lovers who passed by each other for years before suddenly seeing past the covering cast, and we ...
3 comments
Read more

Loving The Stethoscope

Who needs Dopamine transmission? being with you does the trick- anon On Loving the stethoscope… When I took the plunge I had no idea what the water currents felt like, if there’s one major decision which put me at crossroads of should I or shouldn’t i. It was the decision to date HND. What I know for sure is that after the first month or so everything changes, you get to be around this person more often and you get really comfortable around this person. I was quite comfortable at the beginning anyway but I obviously had my reservations, I remember this evening he was walking me down to where I can board a car; it was dark (thanks to the children of the underworld who stole solar panels for the university street lights) well if you know me well you’d know seeing well in the dark is an extreme sport for me most times I would walk right into a puddle before I realize. Well, he had seen a gutter ahead and offered to hold my hands to cross over in my stubbornness I told him “no...
7 comments
Read more

Uh-Oh its another rant session

  Maybe I’m supposed to figure out this whole maze called life alone? Or maybe I could just opt out (un-alive myself). Today I am furiously tapping on my keypads because the emotions I feel are anger, betrayal, disappointment, and pain, will you call me entitled for holding people by their very words? Am I the asshole for expecting some form of integrity? Well, I’ve been quiet here basically for a ton of reasons, the wall of cards I built and called my life scattered at the very gust of the whirlwind, some pieces went never to return again, and every time I try to write about it theirs the battle of emotions and waterworks. Maybe putting this out would do someone some good, I have no idea what it is supposed to do but here it goes. I came across this old photo on Snapchat and the caption was indeed true “No matter how horrible the worse feeling is, there’s going to be another one which is even worse and you don’t know about it yet” I was probably going through a rough patch whe...
2 comments
Read more