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What do you when writing feels conflicting?

I enjoy reading, but I struggle with writing. Writing feels conflicting because it asks me to be honest in ways I am not always ready for. Some of the things I write embarrass me. I think they expose thoughts I would rather keep hidden. And I think writing makes them permanent; this is because I worry too much. I imagine someone reading them someday and being shocked by how dark and twisted parts of me can sound. I worry about that future reader.  I worry about myself. I am going through what feels like one of the hardest things I have ever done. Close people know I am struggling, but they do not know the full extent of it. They can see that I am not butterflies and rainbows, but they do not know how much of my joy is performed. I smile and hope that one day I will grow into the happiness I am pretending to feel. There was a time not long ago when I almost slipped into a deep depressive episode. I could feel myself descending, very fast, like I was in quicksand. I wanted to hold on...
Recent posts

Tangled up in Love: A personal reflection

  Have you ever crossed paths with someone and felt an inexplicable connection? It's an experience often attributed to the Red String Theory, a captivating idea that proposes soulmates are connected by an invisible red cord. I recently came across the Red String Theory on tik tok, and I have been hyper-fixated on it.   The Red String theory is a Chinese legend that suggests that two people connected by the red thread are destined lovers, regardless of place, time, or circumstances. it tells us that this thread may stretch due to distance and tangle up due to circumstance; but in the end, the hands of fate eventually reunite these two people.           As a self-professed hopeless romantic, I have heard a lot about the concept of soulmates, that there is someone out there who fits you perfectly, the ying to your yang. You would hear stories of Lovers who passed by each other for years before suddenly seeing past the covering cast, and we ...

For Lack of Better Title

--- Hey there, Popsicles! Today, I'm opening up about something weighing on my mind for a while now. it seems I can see it lurking in the shadows of my life like an uninvited guest at a party - the feeling of being an imposter in my own life.  You know that moment when you finally start to relax because everything seems to be going your way? Well, I barely get on that feeling for a solid 3 hours at a stretch; you know why? because there's no peace for me in this world. The moment I decide to curl up with a warm sock, a cold glass of yogurt, and my favorite book.  that's exactly when life decides to throw me a curveball. And me? Well, I decided to just stay delusional, I mean Staying Delulu is the Solulu  I've never been that person who juggles life like a pro, matter of fact if there's an award for people who suck at multitasking I would soar through and beat records. (now I imagine myself smiling like Simone Biles holding up medals) well in reality I probably would...

Finally out of the Drafts; Musing #1

  T oday I write because I have made a pact to turn in two pieces each week. Knowing me, I would say that's not at all sustainable. But today I would sit pretty and channel my violent tendencies onto my laptop. At least it would only highlight my mistakes in red instead of flat-out saying I'm saying nonsense. I write because, in this form, I don't hear the voice questioning everything I say or telling me what to do. I have imagined love; I have aspired to love (maybe marriage); or so I thought, as long as my memory could permit me. You know those 5-tier cakes with those stairways and the bride and groom? The messy order of photographs had the emcees going on and on about the list of people, the couple had to take photos with. And hell, it was chaotic, but it's me; I live for chaos. All I knew at 4 was the beautiful dress that the lovely aunties had to wear, and then the smoky, tasty jollof and beef waiting for me after. With the way we were training with the husband...

Excerpts from my Notepad

Everyday it’s a battle with self; Today the anxiety wraps around    me like a glove. There’s a swelling in my throat and a tightness in my chest, I keep telling myself to take a breather. But I feel like I’m under water, I’m submerged in the ocean of my thoughts. I’m fighting back the tears but some teardrops find their way through the barricades to my eyes.  The World is here to see a show,let’s give them one worth watching  🧶

Uh-Oh its another rant session

  Maybe I’m supposed to figure out this whole maze called life alone? Or maybe I could just opt out (un-alive myself). Today I am furiously tapping on my keypads because the emotions I feel are anger, betrayal, disappointment, and pain, will you call me entitled for holding people by their very words? Am I the asshole for expecting some form of integrity? Well, I’ve been quiet here basically for a ton of reasons, the wall of cards I built and called my life scattered at the very gust of the whirlwind, some pieces went never to return again, and every time I try to write about it theirs the battle of emotions and waterworks. Maybe putting this out would do someone some good, I have no idea what it is supposed to do but here it goes. I came across this old photo on Snapchat and the caption was indeed true “No matter how horrible the worse feeling is, there’s going to be another one which is even worse and you don’t know about it yet” I was probably going through a rough patch whe...

Fat bellied rants

These days I have so much to say but most times I just stay at the blinking cursor, is it writer’s block, I have no words to trap and put down; they’re flying free like birds outside the Sydney museum. It’s definitely not joy that I feel down in me, this is intense pain it's swelling up inside of me and I’ve not been drinking yeast.           A mad professor told me once “I think it’s funny that you expect people to treat you the way you treat them” (inserts Joker laughter) life isn’t a fairytale your fairy godmother won’t appear one day and “hipity bipity boop” away all your pains you would face it and you would face most of it alone.  I feel we are going through similar struggles and so we should try making things easier for each other. It's rather disgusting to see broken people break other people ; but this is becoming a norm. 2019? We go buy benzzzzzzzzzz! Lol, you didn’t tell me I would see shege, you didn’t tell me I would f...