Uh-Oh its another rant session

 Maybe I’m supposed to figure out this whole maze called life alone? Or maybe I could just opt out (un-alive myself). Today I am furiously tapping on my keypads because the emotions I feel are anger, betrayal, disappointment, and pain, will you call me entitled for holding people by their very words? Am I the asshole for expecting some form of integrity?

Well, I’ve been quiet here basically for a ton of reasons, the wall of cards I built and called my life scattered at the very gust of the whirlwind, some pieces went never to return again, and every time I try to write about it theirs the battle of emotions and waterworks. Maybe putting this out would do someone some good, I have no idea what it is supposed to do but here it goes.

I came across this old photo on Snapchat and the caption was indeed true “No matter how horrible the worse feeling is, there’s going to be another one which is even worse and you don’t know about it yet” I was probably going through a rough patch when I posted that but looking back and recalling how bad I felt I’d burst into laughter because I have seen crazy since that and does it get better?

 Yes, it gets better at being worse.  

When I look back at my childhood it wasn’t one with lots of highs, in fact, most of it is blurred images in my memory was there anything extraordinary asides from being an only child? Nah nothing really. It's just that when I look back, I see the foundations of the issues I’m faced with now as a new adult trying to opt out of adulting. I was just an average child but then people said I was intelligent, gifted, and whatever they chose to label me, all my life I feel I carry this huge bag of expectations and I know you want to say drop and just move but how easy is it. In large families, one can choose to tow the path of a black sheep but come on you know your parents are super nice and do you want the world to think they failed their only try at this concept called parenting? Little or no wonder when I felt like I was entirely out of the plan of Project IT-Girl I crashed, I fell with little or no branches to hold on to for support. 

One day your life is going the usual routine weeks later you’re sitting in the consulting room of a Psychiatric hospital and you’re like damn how did I end up here? But if you are sincere to yourself you would know you’ve always run at an all-time low, if you were honest to yourself, you’d know it’s a car running with loose bolts. I tried to overcompensate by being overly dramatic, restless, informed funny you know as many tapes that can hold together torn paper. Because how else do you explain blanking out when asked what made you happy? I simply mirrored people’s happiness.

            Then I got another label, I was a patient surviving with a recurrent depressive disorder. Indeed, it gets better- at being worse; I think what broke me was the faux sympathy backed with jeers behind my back it was the betrayal in those dark times. I may not be the best of persons but even your enemies do not deserve such treatment. I pray for blessings for those who showed up for me at that time anyway. I moved into 2021 with lots of willpower to better my life, I was constantly reassured that I had found peace and family, I grew, I bloomed, I blossomed till June my body started preparing me for the worst. the rug was pulled from under my feet and I fell flat and face down. I was back in the consulting room I had relapsed; I mean I heard some people would be plagued with this for life I just didn’t feel I was that unfortunate to be a part of that demographic but who was I kidding.  Well, the second half of 2021 was rather terrible I must say, I can’t remember the number of times I slept with little or no worries, it’s a miracle I didn’t develop high blood pressure too, another addition to my Pandora’s box.

In the last quarter of the year, I was thrown into another level and scenery in the game of life, I felt so alone I felt alienated once again I struggled to find a tribe, and I am still trying hard to find my footing in this place. I am still not in the right headspace; on one of those bad days, my friend randomly asked me “Are you okay” My reply was “Guy, I’m just here” and I broke down sobbing because it had been a while someone actually did that and she assured me that she was there for me, I don’t know but to me, that was a lot. This time I have a strong support web weaved around me. I know  I have not recovered from the blows of 2021 yet. But then this year I’m trying hard to take my fate into my own hands, I am making conscious efforts as well and I sincerely hope they pay off I hope it gets better actually not better at being worse. Wish me Luck and put me in your prayers.

And to my loved ones reading this “I’m here anytime” I know my head is a busy street but honk when you need me  I promise to make space and time for you”

{Inserts Cliche Love and light because you can never have too much }