Never- A- Date

Today boredom brought back some nostalgic feelings, yeah, and today I’ll be talking about my horrible dates I know they may not beat your stories but they sure left me with this gut feeling in my throat.
I’m going to change the names of these characters so I can save them and hope they change when you probably meet them its Calabar by the way most men here are definitely recycled( that’s if you’re in the city; and drop that silly idea I barely go out., as matter of  fact I’m a couch potato who complains about being bored and most times makes no move whatsoever to save myself and I have bad luck with guys)

I'd tag the guys as Specimen A, B, and so on( sorry if I seem sexist) but these were my white rats, but I wasn't inducing them with Asthma.(Apologies; it's 2019 all jokes are sensitive)

So specimen A I didn’t plan to meet the human being but sometimes my love for food lands me in the weirdest situation "HND" says food would kill me someday and I no longer refer to myself as a foodie but an enthusiastic lover of food since people equate being a foodie to being a glutton.

Well, so my roommate " Olive" had to go on this date with some dude and wanted me to be a plus one. I’m like cool with it since there’s gonna be food and I have a smartphone with internet access I won't be a bother as long as I’m well fed. I put on some evil purple lipstick and my vintage shirt and jeans. Don’t blame a sister I didn’t see the need to dress to impress as I was supposedly a third wheel on this date, so we approach the car and she tells me this " oh he didn’t want you to be alone so he brought a friend along, please be nice" wow (I need like 12 hours prior notice to be nice to people).

So I sit at the back with Olive and Despacito comes on and you know the chorus, we ended up biting our tongues in an attempt at singng Spanish, and we were carpooling till we got to the restaurant. It was a native restaurant that served really great Nigerian food, as soon as we got seated Olive got carried away by le boo leaving me with this guy and his glasses, I wasn’t ready for a date so I continued looking at the T.v screen and I guess it was those shark Friday specials. I kept watching as sharks attacked humans and all that, I’d do anything to avoid a situation I didn’t plan for. I looked at Specimen A he had given up already and was stuck with scrabble on his iPhone so I offered to help and he looked back with surprise saying "You play scrabble?" I was like "Yeah board games are my thing" After a few minutes our order arrived it was two pots of ISI-Ewu( Google is your friend if it sounds strange) at that point I handed his phone back and started on my pot and when I was done I noticed he had barely touched it maybe he didn’t like it so I offered to help him finish it.

I tried hard to keep a conversation with specimen A he was way too boring and had horrible music taste, now I’ve always thought medics were boring but then I had a couple of friends who were medics and boring is far from them.  But on this date, I prayed for time to go fast and I looked around at other couples and how happy they seemed, I was tired so I told them I had to go seeing I had a paper to turn in the next day. In the car specimen a tried to get cozy all holding hands and stuff ewww! At that point I brought out my phone opened my blog asked him to read and critique and he said " Writers are boring people" That was the end, the big shut down so I put on my seat belt and headphone and increased the volume to a deafening high while I look out to the sky in anger. Immediately he pulled over I left without a goodbye or a name.

Plot twist: So months later he takes out someone I knew on a date, I gave prior warnings though Guess what!!!!!!!!!!

It was so horrible she sent out an SOS message

Specimen B is the reason why I warned my friends to desist from trying to hook me up *face palms* every attempt has been horrible but this one was simply disgusting. So my friend posted a photo of me and his friend asks him for my contact, at least this one had the courtesy of asking my permission first so I obliged. After some messages online he sets up a date in the afternoon at an almost dying eatery, specimen B shows up a few minutes late but he tried. Like I earlier mentioned this eatery is dead like really dead there is literally nothing to get. Specimen B gets coke and nothing to go with it, he starts the conversation by asking why my hair looks like this I respond by telling him my hair is still in its natural state and tells me how I’m stressing myself and he then he blasts off to Self-Land telling me all about himself up to the scar he has on his cheek from falling off a mango tree at 6 and many other stories. (all this time I had my hand on my chin like an impatient housewife)  It was only a matter of time before the coke began to disturb my stomach so I told him we could do this some other time. And in my head that was Adios Amigo I walked out of that door never to return again.


I have terrible luck with men and I've resigned to fate.