Finally out of the Drafts; Musing #1

Today I write because I have made a pact to turn in two pieces each week. Knowing me, I would say that's not at all sustainable. But today I would sit pretty and channel my violent tendencies onto my laptop. At least it would only highlight my mistakes in red instead of flat-out saying I'm saying nonsense.

I write because, in this form, I don't hear the voice questioning everything I say or telling me what to do. I have imagined love; I have aspired to love (maybe marriage); or so I thought, as long as my memory could permit me. You know those 5-tier cakes with those stairways and the bride and groom? The messy order of photographs had the emcees going on and on about the list of people, the couple had to take photos with. And hell, it was chaotic, but it's me; I live for chaos. All I knew at 4 was the beautiful dress that the lovely aunties had to wear, and then the smoky, tasty jollof and beef waiting for me after. With the way we were training with the husband's house narrative, I might as well look forward to the ceremony that precedes the relocation to the husband’s house.

I have dated three people in my lifetime, two of whom I have loved deeply, and I will tell you for free. While some parts of me have remained, I must admit that I have shrunk. I have let off some part of my being for them, subconsciously or intentionally. The endgame? To be the one to be accepted and loved (unconditionally; quite the irony, yeah?). The journey to being the one takes us through so much, contorting ourselves to become the perfect being

Yet, as I stare at the screen, pouring my heart onto this page, doubt creeps in like a thief in the night. Can I truly be a good enough lover? The weight of my past and present relationships lingers, haunting me like a shadow that I can't shake off. Have I given enough? Have I been attentive to their needs and desires? It's like a puzzle I can never seem to solve—a puzzle that makes me question whether I have what it takes to love deeply and unconditionally.

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